I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
