i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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