My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
