people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
