New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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