You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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