just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
