3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
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We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
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I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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