eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
