My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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