how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
