I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
