True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
