Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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