hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
