Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
