some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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