Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
