I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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