I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
