You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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