Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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