i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
