Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Randomize
