i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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