People in love make me want to vomit
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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