he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
