She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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