Apparently you make a good broom.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
