Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
