did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
