I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
