If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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