Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
