my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
