so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
