Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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