I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
