Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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