Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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