My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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