You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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