No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
