I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
