vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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