you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
