This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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