From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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