Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
