pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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