Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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