Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Are we still banned from the library?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
