Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Semen is not good for contacts.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
