I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I wish you could order shots online.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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