I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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