Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
