I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
