I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
