if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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